rubibees: (scarlet bee)

Just a couple of things I don't want to forget...the drive up on Wed afternoon was hilarious, Ody and Robert made it a lot of fun plus I napped and read lovely supportive texts from my friends re the craziness of TZ.

Of course arriving at camp and hanging out was glorious as always... We arrived at sunset and saw the lake... That night I dreamt of teaching people and telling them about a dream I had (the dream within a dream thing). Plus all the folks were black people, which usually means the Orisha are at work in my brain.

I woke up Thur with a strong feeling Oshun was watching over me. I got the big beeswax candle out that I brought for Oshun and lit it. I brought it since She came through very strongly twice this week when I was having sex with Mic. Then I remembered that I had a super fun lunch with Dr. C and a new black faculty member on the first day TZ cancelled our date (kind of the beginning of the end). And then I saw Rayne again at the beach (first time in many months). Any way, I think Oshun was all around this week pulling me away from a bad situation and offering sweet distractions.

And then She gave me a present here at FPG but that's another post!

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Another drive by...got back from Yaxuna on Wed afternoon and Mic kindly picked me up. Morgan was out, but the rest of us spent some time clothes shopping as Cyrus had only two pairs of pants and Vienna will be chilly. Florida boy!!

Burgers that night were tasty but may have contributed to my post Mexico stomach troubles...seems to be impossible to prevent. Mic even had distilled water for me, still took the hit!

This had meetings with the Dean and the Provost--playing with the big boys. Luckily I had a nice bottle of tequila for the Dean and he only wanted to give me hints for the Provost meeting. Was nice to hear about his trip to Greece, even if it was depressing to see so much of his family out of work.

Meeting with the Provost also went well, seems I may be brokering a transfer of Little Salt Springs to Sarasota County from UM. This has been the back up plan for a year, but now it's happening. Kind of huge but I trust the County to be good stewards, prob better than UM...and pivoting on my stone means helping protect ancient sites in whatever way I can.

On the long taxi to take off now for the ICA meetings in Vienna. Cy and Morgan are seated behind me which makes me sooooo happy. We have 4 days in Vienna and then 4 in Prague, lots of good ancestral energy all around. Have a tshirt of my dads, my baby Ellegua, and a pretty open schedule.

Still feeling very centered and renewed from Yucatan.

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On the road back to Yaxuna from a 24 hour trip to Merida. The grad students who showed up to help with my artifact analysis really wanted to see the new Spiderman, and I needed to drop off letters at INAH, so we went in yday.

Last tues I took the teens back to Miami, there was great rejoicing that all went well and I exhaled.

Wed morning I got on a plane back to Cancun and got a new small rental car, headed back to Yaxuna. Joe, the UM student who has been with me the whole time was there along with three grad students--one is a member of the Xuenkal project, the others were there to help.

Thus we worked from 7am to midnight on artifact analysis. Fri Joe and I worked until we all left for Merida at 2. Now we are headed back for more--lots done, still more tho.

Fri morning I visited with my friend In Yaxuna, Deysi. It's great that she and her husband are so well. Last night I started back on the Landa paper for Vienna...running out of time to get it ready!

All in all, very satisfying research time this summer, on many levels.

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I was doing pretty damn good with achieving a drama free Xmas. For once. Was working hard on it.

D kept calling and texting asking me to call, and I let putting it off to 1. Attempt a drama free Xmas, and 2. Establish some boundaries. The day before he texted about wanting to have sex, so the friends only thing was blown...He finally got to me late at night when I was driving home from going down to school to pick up some reading material. I called and while it was very hard, again explained that his chaotic life exhausted what I had to give. He pointed out that his life has always been chaotic, which of course is true and didn't make the conversation easier. Nothing has changed in his mind, so he doesn't get why I've changed.

Then in a twist oh so characteristic of my Christmases, C called a bit earlier while I was in the office and we chatted...I had suggested we meet for a drink but he was deep in time with his kids...nice chat and at the end I said I love you...to dead silence. Those words have been said between us in that off hand not quite real way, but I meant them. A text to find out why the radio silence led to him saying he adores me but the nature of the relationship is so 'ambiguous and heavy' that he thinks we should end the physical part. Course he wants to chat all the time and flirt and support each others work, but not the physical...I think because of the poly behavior it implies...but maybe also because sex to him is complicated, being a former evangelical I don't think it's an easy topic for him to sort out.

So there you go, one dude I don't want begging to have sex and one dude I do want walking away. Perfect holidays.

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On the road trying to get to Gainesville--still. We were supposed to get there last night after leaving town when the boys got out of school. My work went long but only by an hour...but then as we were heading out the door around 5, Mic discovered his server wasn't working and we were stuck at home for 4.5 hours...finally hit the road at 9:30pm. I drove until 1am, was happy to do so, but then we got a cheap hotel room near Orlando. Got up and going but now there are 2 accidents on I75 and traffic is crawling. Some road trips are just one thing after another.

The rest of the week wasn't so weird really, just full of long hours working on the catalog and not much else. Our moon on Thur was awesome, I loved learning more about the Slavic deities from Joseph. But didn't get to dance class at all due to working, working, working.

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The celloists tonight are playing Dvozak and The Slavic Dance!!!

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I'm just writng this for myself folks, feel free to tune out.
So yesterday D and I were talking and it seemed almost like, no really like before...ie before the revelation. And I realized that he hasn't changed, I mean he was drinking these past months and is now so he hasn't changed. I feel like I'm in a very different place...and then I'm not. In conversation it easily feels like nothing happened. And I'm certainly not going to argue the pros and cons of drinking as that doesn't get him to see them and just upsets me. So see how quickly I am right in the place that I criticized so harshly in his friends? But later last night I read the word 'disappointed' and the anger came back. I'm disappointed, he disappointed me although yes I know we set ourselves up for disappointment with our expectations. But this was not my expectation alone, he participated. And Marny says addicts mean it when they say they are trying to stop drinking...it's not a line in the sense of intentional deception. hmmm.
I asked a series of questions in an email to D yday which we ended up answering on the phone. He says drinking was the only thing he kept from me, that he told me now because he was tired of lieing but he thought there was a good chance I would walk away. He didn't tell me for the past 6 months because he thought we might not have had those 6. He didn't tell me to break up or because he wants to see someone else, and he doesn't think a new relationship would be any easier. He has never considered if he loves himself more, less, or the same as how much he loves me. I know he likes himself okay but he despises the addict part and describes it as pathetic.
Still taking emotional space and thinking.

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A whole series of events, feelings, etc have put me in a Slavic frame of mind...the book I chose to take to the SAAs set it in motion I guess-- Absurdistan by Gary Shteyngart. I bought it for my dad shortly after his diagnosis with the big C...it was supposed to be funny. Which it is, but with that life is pain so let's live large philosophy ( course the live large part means drinking, he is Russian after all). My dad and I shared the Slavic moods from time to time, been thinking of that as I read this book. And all the people who drink as a way of life and always have, and the dark third world life of the Slavs today that we both loved, the basterd step children of Europe. And the tragedy of the Polish plane wreck and the stroganoff I found in the freezer last night...it's fatalism with character, resistance, and resignation...my ancestors are calling. Bought a Golden Pheasant (Slovak beer) for them last night but forgot to offer it. I feel the dead around but I feel very far from my gods right now.

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Strategy

Apr. 14th, 2010 02:21 pm
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I spoke with my good friend Tyler last might, he is 13 years sober n a seer, witch. He suggested I take D up on the exit and withdraw from any contact for 3 lunar cycles--to heal, to get perspective, to keep my word. It was scary but felt safe n a bit crazy.

I ignored D's text last nite n call this am, but I could tell from his message he didn't know what was going on. So I called n said I can't be in contact if he is drinking. He said he changes his mind every day about whether he should or not...has tried to stop so many times n failed that he doesn't think he can, can't guaranty he can stay sober, etc. I said I didn't need perfection but I need him to be committed to trying, as he said he was. If he isn't, he isn't. But it sounds like he is struggling with accepting what he has to do. We had one of our best conversations ever about AA...but left it that he is not to call until he has decided he wants to be sober. Maybe with space I will get to a place of peace with whatever he does, drink or not...the whole Al Anon approach, but I can't see that now. I also cant stop hoping he will do the right thing n get help staying sober.

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I feel justified ordering any fancy bottled water I want! The bill is always less.

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Out shopping for Aph, that always makes Her very happy! Just found a bunch of yummy stuff at a Greek importer in Hollywood. And on the drive up I convinced the white doves guy to rent me doves for release. Woot! He was a little uncertain since it wasn't a wedding or funeral. Three doves will be with us all night and then I get to release them for Her sat morning!

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I'm at the Lowe waiting for folks to arrive for the conference I organized...really wishing I didn't have to wait until 7:30 for a glass of wine! In addition to conference details I had to do my PowerPoint for tomorrow, plus I found out the site I was so excited about for the Jan field school won't be dry enough until march...so I went back to the drawing board looking for sites for Jan...too much up in the air!

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We are getting ready to check out of the hotel and head to the airport for the long flight from LAX to MIA. The gathering was a huge success by everyone's standards--over and over everyone said they were so glad to be together and building community. The factionalism started by one crazy Hps in 2005 is in the past and none of the 30 os so Elders in attendance wanted to feed that craziness. It felt really good to reassert the principle that Georgians value community over politics and creativity in our worship over hierarchy. I'm proud to have helped organize this gathering and so excited to have many new friends in the Trad.

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Just like when Morgan was in 7th grade and all his friends went loco, now all of Cyrus' peeps since kinder are getting weird. So much drama about who gets invited to whose party, so many tears and hurt feelings. And that process I hate where a sweet open boy turns into a hardened shut down guy. Cy and I had a good talk about his feelings last night, so I'm hopeful he will stay in touch with them, but his peers are all turning tough and thugish. Sigh. Big party of all of them sat nite, I hope it goes well for my lil guy.

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On Tuesday in ft lauderdale airport a black man with pointy shoes. Today here in MIA on way to LA, two iyawo. An older woman with brown skirt and a young brown guy in all white but with a sly brown hat. And a black back pack.. .will I need white luggage?

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App

Aug. 3rd, 2009 06:17 pm
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Is this crazy app working? Please let me know if you see this darling posse.

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Whites!

Jul. 2nd, 2009 09:25 pm
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Test

Jun. 19th, 2009 11:14 pm
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On the wifi network at the project house...data roaming turned off...will this work?

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Neil Young, fresh papaya n sandia, looking out at Cozumel across the sea, boys happily sleeping in the room. Eases every worry, just as always.

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Lukumi

Jun. 8th, 2009 10:46 am
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Ache! Another Monday that I remember to give Papa Elegua his hot coffee with sugar!

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